I Stand Tall

Wow what a month it's been, and again so so so sorry to keep you all waiting with news about Darren. It's been an amazing ride, I thought I was finally on the retiring road for the Datist. I truly did. I had three wonderful dates with this man, dates that swept me off my feet, and let me fall oh so gracefully in his arms. Our forth/fifth date however made us have to put the brakes on with a screech. I spent a weekend at his apartment, being taken out, being cuddled, playing house even. The morning I left to go back home something seemed off, Darren had withdrawn, a guard was suddenly up. I tried to ignore it, but when I noticed his texts not being as frequent, and our plan for our next date was not underway, I saw stormy roads ahead. If he wanted to end it I wanted to know now, I hated anticipating a "break up" call, if you can call it that. I knew Darren was busy, he's a doctor of radiology who has two more years of residency to go. My patience was wearing though, and my hope was slowly losing glimmer in a forest of uncertainty.

Finally he did call, frantic repeating the line over and over again, "It just went too fast," I guessed he was talking about the pace we had been going, full speed ahead! I knew I had to be the calm one, and kept myself so nonchalant you would never have guessed it was really me.
I gave him an out, said, "Hey it happens," and was ready to let it all go. He surprised me, "I don't want it to end like this, maybe we can still see each other, but slow it down." I surprised myself again with a quick, "sure." I then started to point out the following vocabulary I had never once mentioned in our short lived weeks of dating: girlfriend, relationship, marriage, kids. I also pointed out the following actions I had never carried out: calling him first, texting him first, complaining about seeing him only once a week. All the evidence was clear, all this pressure was purely in Dr. Darren's head. Once he examined all the aspects I had presented, he realized I was right. His voice had a sense of calm now, I noticed he was breathing easier. He needed a week to think things over, I gave him two. I ended the conversation feeling uplifted, and having the upper hand. I'm not playing the waiting game even though it seems like it, I simply have left the dating door ajar for Darren in case he actually realizes how simple it is the just walk through that door.

Meanwhile if you remember in my blog "The Labyrinth," boy number 1, has suddenly decided to come back into my world again. He seems worthy of a name, so we will call him Jared. Jared sent me a text a few weeks ago letting me know he was now traveling Costa Rica. No big surprise for me, after six years I've always known Jared to be spontaneous and leave on a dime to whichever destination he desired. I ignored his text and went on with my life juggling between Jesse and Darren.

A day after Darren and I had had our talk I received a text,"Wish you were here." followed by several other texts: "I can't stop thinking about you," "It's weird how much I can't stop thinking about you," "Can't wait to come home to see you." Had Jared decided to finally come around? I didn't know whether to trust Jared, even though I had never received texts like this from him. I felt puzzled, and confused, I don't usually find myself in this position. If I considered Darren normal and stable, I definitely would define Jared as spontaneous and as unpredictable as a firecracker. Jared comes home from Costa Rica today, and like a good chess player I'm awaiting his next move, anticipating something unexpected.

I need to finally believe in myself, and realize I am the prize to be won here. If one of these guys thinks himself worthy of me, then fighting for me is the proper solution. I'm ready to be won, and I'm tired of having to defend for my own crown. I stand tall, my confidence stands with me, finally not pulling me down to the ground. If one of these men is truly my "Bashert" then I will let this situation be, and await for what is to come. After all if it's "Bashert", then it is truly meant to be.

"You can't say the wrong thing to the right person, and you can't say the right thing to the wrong person."
~A wise quote from a wise friend